Sorry Eulogy

Eulogy

By: Lolly

          “Hi my name is Bob.  I’m Tim’s uncle. I knew him when he was just a wee magma. Well, Tim lived an interesting life, being the first mineral to die in history. After a few years in a volcano he finally graduated from Mineral High by weathering and eroding into sediment. Then deposition¹, compaction², and sedimentation³ formed him into Sedimentary Tim.”

Bob, who’s feeling very proud and acting like he knows everything, starts puffing out his rocky lumps he calls “pecks” and begins his story.

          “Sedimentary Tim had violent mood swings. One layer would be cranky and the next would be loopy. One time when he was going through his paranoid layer he came to my house and we watched horror movies about miners.”  Bob, while holding his hand to his mouth as if he was going to tell a secret, explains, “That was the biggest mistake of my life.”  A confused look went over the audience. “Wow, tough crowd, literally.” Bob thought to himself, and continued on.

          “Even though Tim was hard to handle, he met the crystal of his life (that is if he was an igneous rock) at the Rocky Mountain Bar. Her name was Quartzalina and she was a waitress in training. Like a real gentleman, Sedimentary Tim offered to help her whenever she would mess up an order or spill all the pebbles and food. Once they met it was love at first rock and of course they got married, for she was the hottest rock in the volcano.” Bob rudely interrupts himself saying “But the courses of true love never did run smooth.”

          “After 2 years or so Quartzalina persuade Tim to get a job ,’Please, get a job! Please get a job. PLEASE GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND GET A JOB,’ but Tim would have had to be a metamorphic rock, due to idiotic government laws, but he never listened to her and just ignored her.”

          Since Tim didn’t have a job, Quartzalina left him because of starvation, but she never loved him any less. Tim was so sad he felt as though he should have listened to her doing as she told him hoping she would forgive him.”

          It’s one of those kind of “let’s get it over with part so Bob looks a little like he’s boring himself to death. “I took Sedimentary Tim to the spa to calm his hard side. There he signed up for heat and a pressure wax. Suddenly a tsunami of lava splashed into the spa as we were leaving. WHOOSH the lava went. Poor Tim was heated into magma that day. After 100 years of tormenting agony, Tim finally cooled with some other minerals, Gabbry, Bauninite, and a little bit of Hanzburgite. I met Hanzburgite.  Yeah, he was a little bossy and extremely annoying. I mean any pebble could tell we wouldn’t relate. Tim finally retired as a rock by weathering¹ and erosion² and spent the rest of his life as sand on an Oceanic beach two miles away from Sydney. One day I went to visit him, with his grains scattered across the beach. His last words were ‘I lived a happy life. I hope you did too. You’re a great uncle and please remember me as I was.”

You could tell Bob was tearing up at this point instead of resting his head on the podium, drooling.  

          “Oh, and one more thing…’ He said with an accent like he was a billion years old. Wait.  What am I saying?  He actually was a billion years old. “

          “Yeah,’ Bob muttered.”       

          “Can you pick up all my grains and put them in a pile?’ Tim whispered.

I did as I was told then left. I still remember that day.  It will live in my layers forever.”

Another sedimentary rock in a tux came up to whisper something to Bob before he could start into his next sentence.  The rock tells him that he was at Boulder and Rosie’s wedding and not at Tim’s funeral. Bob says a little confused. “OOOPS. Mom did say I was never the sharpest mineral on Dead Man’s Rock.” Bob, stuttering a little trying to shake off his embarrassment says “Well, then ladies and stalagmites who wants cake?” holding his arms out with jazz hands while trying to exit the building looking for the right address.